Nanny Porn

My colleagues wanted to know why, as a work-from-home consultant, I was spending an inordinate amount of time in the office. The answer was simple. I was hiding from the nanny.
Being my own hyper-efficient self, I decided to put the finishing touches to a book proposal while giving the kids a snack and spending quality time in the same room as offspring. Our Childcare was, at that moment, transformed into our Cleaner and not, strictly speaking, on duty.
The kids drifted away in that grumpy way that young children have when you have not answered the millionth question asked in a 3 minute period. "Do elephants fart through their trunks?" and other conversational jewels would have to wait while I spell checked one last time.
Sending them upstairs to where the nanny,cleaner,school picker-upper was ironing so they could watch a DVD seemed logical enough when they left the room. As a result I had about 20 minutes to myself to concentrate on ME and MY needs on MY own. I want to say here and now that I do not condone TV watching as a replacement for the nurturing ministrations of a blood relative but, as I said, this was about MY needs.
What followed was our youngest bursting into the kitchen, asking "what that lady she is doing with thah fruit?" Having left my two little angels to chose their own DVD, they opted for Almodovar's "Kika" which was way up high in the Mummy and Daddy section of our shelves and not in with the Disneys at toddler height. What about the fruit you ask? So a man segments an orange and dips it into a lady's err...thingy. It is one scene in a much longer art house film, ok?
The nanny stormed into the kitchen hot on the heels of her charges, although strictly speaking she was ironing and not on the clock as their looker-after, but I digress. She then flung the DVD in the manner of a former Eastern Block shot putter at my left temple and spat "THIS is not for children I think, YES??"
This left me having to explain that Almodovar is certainly NOT for children, NOT characteristic of the sort of film that my husband and I watch on a regular basis and very much NOT for children YES.
She thought me so repugnant at that moment that I could hear her inner-self reviewing her contractual obligations to my family. Am pleased to report she stayed on but my nerves are frayed after her verbal warning. I have resolved to be much clearer to her about my responsibilities towards my kids and to use appropriate language like "Willy and Wonka" to designate...errrr....private parts.